Excuses

Okay, so I have been not writing this post for a long time but it needs to be written because I need to hear it myself. And being that it's 2:14am this is going to be a very honest post.

I have been being lazy. Do I know how to eat healthy? Yep. Could I eat a gluten free diet? Yep. Could I give up sugar if I wanted to? Yep. Could I get up before work to work out? Yep. The list continues with washing the dishes after I cook a meal, folding the laundry instead of keeping my clothes in the dryer, going to the post office to buy stamps so I can mail my mortgage on time, etc, etc, etc.

This week officially started the long hours of busy season. I have somewhat subconsciously/consciously been using work as a way to get me out of being healthy this week and it has to stop.

Here is my week so far:

I brought my clothes to workout with me to work on Monday so I could go to kickboxing and I could have made it but instead I worked late. I used working late as an excuse to not workout. When I got home on Monday it was a little after 8. Instead of cooking something I bought at the grocery store on Sunday that was healthy I ate the rest of the bag of baked cheetos that were sitting in my pantry. The bag of cheetos that I bought at the store knowing that they weren't the best choice but that I just wanted them. Then Tuesday rolled around and I had the best intentions of doing something healthy for myself that day but did I? Nope. I went to Jason's Deli for lunch because I used the excuse that the turkey I bought at the store on Sunday was slimey so instead of looking for another lunch option I just went out to eat. I also have not been eating the chocolate at work because I desperately want that haircut and that was my goal (to not eat that chocolate at work) but instead of I've been eating cookies and I even had a NutterButter bar which I don't think I've eaten since high school. Tuesday I worked til 8 so again no workout. And the eating at night was no better. Still not wanting to cook anything in my fridge I bought a not so stellar frozen meal at wal-mart and heated it up. And then because we are being super honest I ate a bag of mini reeces cups, which are really bad for you. Especially when you eat them right around bedtime.

Tonight I left work and had intentions of going to workout because I still had my workout clothes in my car from Monday. I forgot though that I wore socks to work on Monday and didn't have any in the bag and yesterday I wore heals so no socks to wear to kickboxing. I used this as an excuse to go home and chill and not workout. Could I still have gone home, changed and went to the gym? Yep.

I went to bed at a decent hour tonight but woke up about 30 minutes ago and could not go to sleep. And I think this is the reason why. Why am I sabotaging all that I've done? Every night I haven't worked out or that I eat something processed and sugary I feel good only for like 5 minutes and then I just feel super fat. Clearly, I haven't gained 20 pounds in a week but in my body that's what I feel like. I feel gross and I can't do this to myself again. I've gone up/down so many times in the past and I'm sick of doing this to myself. I don't want to be a fat/lazy person who does things just because they're easy and they feel good at the time.

And to just totally get things out there another thing that has been weighing on me (pun/no pun intended) is this dating thing which yes, will apparently always be an issue for me. I know the last date with the guy didn't go so well but I haven't been feeling that great about me lately and I even thought to msyelf last week that I'm not "thin" enough to be dating because I'm not okay with me yet. I've used this an excuse in the past and it is such crap. I do this to myself so I don't get hurt and I'm tired of this cycle too. I say "Oh, I'm not where I want to be and until I get there I will just be myself and not date." But instead of this pushing me to workout and be healthy I usually just eat and sit around so it has the exact opposite effect.

Yes this post is crazy and when I re-read it again at 8 in the morning I'll probably think what in the world? But here's the deal. We can do anything we want. I can get up at 5am and workout. I can eat a diet with no sugar in it. I can drink a whole bunch of water every day and not 3 Diet Cokes. And just because I haven't been doing it doesn't mean I can't. Excuses. Damn them. I don't want to wait til after April 15th to start being healthy again.

So.....I'm getting up in the morning and I'm going to workout. For an hour. Before work. And I'm giving up eating the snacks at work. I'm going to the post office and getting stamps. And for now that's enough. And this weekend I'm going to cook for the week like I was doing. And I'm going to wash the dishes and fold the laundry and be prepared for the next week. Because I refuse to wait and let these excuses weigh me down any longer.